Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and
went to heaven.  At the gates, St.  Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
       Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God.
       St.  Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
       Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
       God said, "Ah, yes," "Well," said Arthur, "professional to Professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention.
  1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion,
  2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds,
  3.  Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much,
  4.  The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust, and,
  5.  The maintenance costs are outrageous."
       "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
       God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results.
       The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
       "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

author unknown

*****


1970 Vs 2000 - 30 YEARS MAKE A DIFFERENCE 

1970: Long hair.
2000: Longing for hair.

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG. 

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux. 

1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 
2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 

1970: Growing pot. 
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 
2000: Popping joints, taking pills. 

1970: President struggles with Fidel. 
2000: President struggles with fidelity. 

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kervorkian. 

1970: Getting out to a hip new joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint. 

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones. 

1970: Being called into the principal's office. 
2000: Calling the principal's office. 

1970: Screw the system.
2000: Upgrade the system. 

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo. 

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Trying to find hair to cut.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

author unknown

*****

Dirt Roads
 
 What's mainly wrong with society today is that too
 many Dirt Roads have been paved.
 
 There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs,
 education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be
 remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt
 Roads give character.
 
 People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early
 on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you
 right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it,
 if at the end is home....a loving spouse, happy kids
 and a dog.
 
 We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational
 system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt
 Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get
 along.
 
 There was less crime in our streets before they were
 paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or
 rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking
 dogs and a double barrel shotgun.
 
 And there were no drive by shootings.
 
 Our values were better when our roads were worse!
 People did not worship their cars more than their
 kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't
 tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front
 would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with
 rocks.
 
 Dir Roads taught patience. Dirt Roads were
 environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car
 for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your
 milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box.
 
 What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out?
 That was the best part, then you stayed home and had
 some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped
 popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned
 how to make prettier quilts than anybody.
 
 At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad
 words tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to
 trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing
 creek or a swimming hole.
 
 At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even
 locked our car was in August, because if we didn't
 some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.
 
 At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra
 springtime income, from when city duties would get
 stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them
 out. Usually you got a dollar....always you got a new
 friend....at the end of a Dirt Road.

Author -Paul Harvey-
 

*****

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

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